Midlife: More of an awakening than a Crisis

I know it's been a while since I've posted and I really have no excuse. That being said, I read an article by another very insightful blogger and wanted to share it with you all.

Waking up at midlife
written by Sharon Blackie

It used to be called the ‘midlife crisis’; sometime later, it became known as the ‘midlife transition’. Whatever you want to call it, it happens to us all, somewhere in the middle stages of our lives: usually in the years between forty and fifty, but sometimes a few years later. The change in terminology is helpful, though: often it isn’t a crisis, because that word suggests an acute, one-off event. The midlife transition isn’t an event, it’s a process. It can go on and on. Just when we think we’ve worked our way through it and we’re out of the dark woods, bam! – here it comes again, to make us face up to all that we had imagined we understood, but really hadn’t quite grasped at all. The midlife transition takes you by the scruff of the neck, shakes you until you rattle, until don’t know which way is up any more, and keeps on shaking you till you’ve learned what you need to learn. If you don’t fully engage with the process the first time, it’ll be coming round again. You can count on that.

The midlife transition is about waking up. About ripping away the veils, facing the darkness and the Shadow, as well as the light. Both can be equally scary. The midlife transition isn’t easy, but then it isn’t supposed to be easy. The greatest growth comes from the greatest pain, and at midlife, for better or for worse, you get to really grow. It’s not an optional add-on; it’s a developmental necessity. For women, if nothing else has pushed you into it, dealing with menopause surely will. And the only way through it is through it. There are no shortcuts. It’s the ultimate Call. No, not a Call to Adventure – this stage of our lives is all about letting go of the requirement for that kind of thing, for activity, for doing, for plot; it’s time to let go of the active, linear, all-conquering Hero’s Journey terminology. Rather, it’s a Call to something approximating pilgrimage. It is a journeying, but it isn’t about doing. It isn’t even about being – it’s about learning to become. It’s about learning to become what we can uniquely become. It’s about finally getting our act together, in the final stages of our lives. It’s about figuring out what we bring to the world, and getting on with bringing it. It’s about showing up.

All too often, people try to avoid the midlife transition. Why not? – it’s scary, and there are no guarantees. If you follow the Call, all bets are off. And so sometimes we try to resist it. Don’t bother: it’ll get you one way or another. If you don’t heed it the first time, that bell will keep on tolling till you do. But even if we hear the midlife wake-up Call, and even if we follow it, leap off the edge, embark on the Journey, it certainly isn’t plain sailing. Growing can hurt, and if we do it properly, many things must be left behind which once we thought we treasured. The gifts are concomitantly great, but sometimes it’s hard to see that for the darkness of the woods. Midlife is about letting go. About necessary lettings-go. Letting go of illusions, letting go of Shadows. Sometimes, letting go of people and places. Some people blunt the pain of new growth with alcohol or other addictions. We blunt the fear, not just because we are afraid of the dark, but because we are afraid of the light. Because we are fearful of coming into our power, especially when for so many of us – particularly if we are women – our lives have been about keeping it carefully under control. You can’t get away with that at midlife. It’s a time for shaking loose.

Over the next few months, I’ll be exploring midlife transitions on this blog. There are ways to help the process, to work with the learnings. I’ll share them here, and hope they will both resonate with and help many of you, as you grapple with your own midlife awakenings.

http://reenchantingtheearth.com/about/

Life's been Crazy . ..

     So, I'm sure some of you are wondering what happened, and to be honest, life sometimes gets in the way of previously made plans. That being said, I have ideas for the next post, I just haven't been able to iron out the details enough to get a functional post up, But I think you for your patience and for keeping an eye on the blog for the latest and greatest. . .

     Some of my friends have shared their thoughts and immediate reactions to my blog.  Some were as I expected, the "Hmmmmkay . . .I like it but it's weird cos I know you" and others are saying Right on! this needs to be said, Thank you so much for having the brass and courage to actually do it! . . .I even found out some of my ex coworkers are running around going OMGOMGOMG! Have you seen Ken's Sex blog?!?!?  which made me LOL!  I just wish there was more input on their reaction. . was that a good thing? a bad thing?  Its publicity regardless, so I'm cool with it.  . . I love hearing feedback, so if you think I'm doing a good job, let me know! or if you think I'm way off base, let me know how in the comments below or in a message to me on my google+ or facebook!  Is there something you wish your partner knew but aren't comfortable telling them? let me know and I'll see about putting something up discussing that topic! Something you want to know more about? Just let me know!!

    I also want to say thanks! to all of my readers this far! your visits and comments are what drive me to continue and indirectly let me know there is an interest in this sort of thing. Keep checking back, I'll have another post up soon!

Thanks again!
Ken

Am I not good enough for you? - Part 2 -

     There's more to cover on those pesky, taboo, toys! Are you self conscious about using them? Does that guilty feeling take you over every time you think about some alone time to get that relief your yearning for and just don't want to wait until your partner is available? Do you cringe every time they go into the bedroom alone and wonder if they will find "it"?

     This is something that you really need to discuss with your partner and figure out how to get past. If they are level headed and mature and you 2 have an open line of communication, you should be able to work this out like the adults you are. The 1st thing you both need to understand is that you're human and have basic human needs. the 2nd thing, is understanding that you both are not always going to be able to get together at the same moment to satisfy those needs, nor are you both going to want to satisfy those needs at the same time. Some of us have higher sex drives then others, but the truth of the matter is that we all don't have cycles that mesh. This leads to a choice in how to handle this problem. You can chose to ignore it and just hold out until you both can get together and scrump each others brains out, (yeah, not a fan of that idea either) OR you can find another partner who's time table may be more attuned to yours, (good luck with that) have a "friend" that you can go to at a moments notice to take the edge off (not too many are for this plan) and finally, you can handle it yourself with either the bare hands you were born with, or a sexual aid. out of all these possibilities, I think most will see that Sex Toys is really the lesser of all "evils"

     Lets face it folks. I believe I read somewhere that 96% of everyone, masturbates. and the other 4% lie. Its a natural thing and you seriously need to learn to come to grips with it. (yes, intentional pun) Be happy in the fact that your partner would rather take matters into their own hands and gratify themselves then go outside the relationship and have someone else do it for them. There are Tried and true methods for doing this for both men and woman and since everyone is different, sometimes a little help is needed to truly reach that itch properly. For women, there's all sorts of vibrators and dildos. And for men, the last few years, they've been making affordable devices for us as well! some vibrate, some are just sleeves. long gone are the days of dropping a couple hundred on a full blow up doll.

     Moral to the story here folks, Sexual Aids have been around for years and masturbation has been around since we've had arms long enough to reach. . (the real reason the T-Rex was always pissed off! Think about it!) So you can either chose to feel jealous over a piece of battery operated silicone or be thankful your partner is keeping it in the home.

Am I not good enough for you? - Part 1 -

     Yes, you are reading that correctly. That's what I'm talking about today, and NO it's not a bad thing. For years they have gotten a bad rap and I'm here to tell you that using these little wonders isn't bad and aren't just for women anymore. They come in all shapes and sizes. Some take batteries, some plug into the wall, and some just use good, old fashion manual power.

     Sex Toys, or sexual aids, have been around for decades and were originally developed to treat what doctors originally thought was "female hysteria" and thought that by inducing an orgasm, would cure this condition. Our medical knowledge has come along ways since these days and now these little miracle wonders of delight can be ordered online in discrete packaging or picked up in an adult
store and brought home to bring out the elusive "O"

     So lets set the scene. You have been together with your partner for a while now and you finally take it to the next level and move in together. as you're putting away your stuff you open their night stand drawer, forgetting which side you agreed upon, and there it is! OMG! why do they still have THAT? I thought we were doing just fine, maybe I'm not as good as I thought. . It's tragic what all the thoughts that go through ones mind are when they 1st find their partners "Toy" or, God forbid, "ToyS"

     This is an old mindset and it really needs to be adjusted and thought of more as Aids in pleasure and less of replacements. They sure can work all by themselves, but just think the added pleasure they could bring with incorporated into your sexual escapades. There are multiple ways they can be used to heighten the experience and the sky is the limit and only the extent of your imagination can limit you. Talk to your lover about the what you found. Discuss bringing in aids. Use the internet and find one of the many sites that sell them and look at them together to see what might just add to the next level "O" that you can experience with your partner. You just might be surprised.

What's something Non-sexual that Gets your motor going?

I have updated the blog to allow Anonymous comments and I want to hear what your lover can do to flip your switch! Is it a scent trigger? Sight? Let me know in the comments below.

Foreplay: It's not just for erotic novels

     Yes, I went there, and I'm going to discuss it. Foreplay is an important part of getting her there and for her to really enjoy herself. Are you finding that you're having to purchase lube by the gallon? does she always seem dry? Yes, some of it has to do with actual medical issues and it can be a problem as a woman gets older, but it may not be either of those. Some women just aren't given the opportunity to get their natural juices flowing.
   
     Men, have you ever experienced that OMG experience where Jr just doesn't want to rise to the occasion? Commercials will have you believe that maybe you need a little blue pill. Maybe your mind just isn't in the game. Stress is a HUGE factor for both men and women when it comes to preforming in the bedroom. Foreplay can be the missing answer to both of these problems. Lets discuss the topic a little bit more.
   
     I'm going to start with the definition from the dictionary.

1. erotic stimulation preceding sexual intercourse
2. action or behavior that precedes an event

     This is where I believe the confusion starts. Everyone relates these activities to After the clothes
have hit the floor. I would like to take it back a step or 12. Foreplay can start before you even get out of bed that morning. Give your partner a good morning kiss. Men, Start a load of dishes before heading out the door for work. Women, Pack his lunch for him with his favorites. You could also at some point in the day, send an "I love you" text or "Thinking about you" (this might work better on the women then men,) And once you're both home, maybe he looks like he had a rough day, gently rub his back and ask him how his day was. Men, this is where you need to have done your homework. What does she do every night? what does she like to do? Maybe run a bath for her with some of her favorite scented soaps if that's her thing, or of you know ahead of time that her day was particularly difficult, you could stop and grab her a bouquet of flowers and have them in a vase on the dining room table when she walks in.

     The point here is to show a little initiative and sensitivity. Show them you're paying attention to them and their needs and that you're willing to take the extra step to be supportive.  Sometimes that's all it takes to get them to relax and relieve some tension, or maybe forget about the world around them for just a few minutes. You would be surprised at how just an offer to help make dinner changes your partners mood to your benefit and get you that night you've been hoping for. The 1st part of foreplay is to get their mind there. If you can do that, it'll be much easier in the bedroom to get their body there.

     Which brings us to the bedroom. The part everyone assumes we're talking about when "Foreplay" is mentioned. some of the material mentioned above can carry over here as far as thought processes go. Does your partner have an "Instant on" button? That's great! If not, there's some work to be done, but the prize is worth it! If you play your cards right, everyone comes out a winner in the end.

     Use all the senses to your benefit. Sight is one that everyone relates to. Maybe do a little strip tease for them. You don't have to be Magic Mike, if your partner is into you, and you have any kind of rhythm, it could be a crowd pleaser regardless! Pay attention to her bra and panties, men. If they're frilly and lacey, comment on them! Women love to look good, not just for them, but for you too.
Make sure she knows you appreciate it.

     Sound is one that a lot of people overlook and can be difficult when you have children in the next room, but sometimes a whisper can be more of a turn on. Whisper in their ear and tell them how hot you are and how hot they make you feel and maybe nibble the ear. Respond with a groan or moan when something feels good or sounds good. It lets the other person know that you like what they're doing and just might make a note of it to try it again in the future. Dirty talk is something that isn't for everyone though, so you're going to want to be receptive to how they react if you try it and they don't like it, you'll be able to tell if you're paying attention.

     Smell is one you really need to be on top of. There are some smells that totally turn a person off. This should be something that doesn't need said, but I'm going to anyway. Please make sure you're keeping everything cleaned up and deodorant is being used and that any perfume or cologne you wear is appreciated by both parties and that you didn't bathe in it. trust me, a small spritz goes a long way. One way to use scent to your advantage is light her favorite scented candle in the room before she enters. Women find candles to be very romantic and if she smells that you're using her scented ones (please be careful mixing scents if you're inexperienced, just use one scented one) that may play well into your court as well.

     Taste can play in with flavored lotions or lubes or even food! I'm sure you've read somewhere about using whipped cream or chocolate syrup. Give it a go! It may not be something you'd want to do regularly, but sometimes mixing it up makes the experience that much more enjoyable.

     And that brings us to touch. For the love of all that's sacred, don't go straight to the goods! Prolong the anticipation. Make them want whats coming. Tease is the name of the game! Kiss them, but trace the tip of your tongue lightly over their lips. Gently nibble their earlobe when you tell them how much you want them. Flick your tongue against their neck as you work down to their nipples. Yes, you should be paying attention to them also. And don't be afraid to use your teeth, just don't draw blood! Nibbling is a turn on, most don't find a band aide run sexy, and it's a safe bet to leave the fangs out of the equation when you go below decks.

     The biggest thing to remember with Foreplay is to tease and prolong the experience. Use the body's erogenous zones to get the motors going. Then once you go in, you don't have to just dive in and go to town either. Use all the spots together. You have 2 hands and a mouth, use them! If your working on the clit with your finger, maybe use your tongue on her neck or kiss her and lightly roll a nipple between your fingers on the other hand.  Go from one to the next. There's no rule that says ones you hit the clit, there's no going back to the breasts.

     A good session of foreplay before engaging in intercourse can mean the difference between frustration and multiple orgasms. Learn what gives your partner the most pleasure and work that into the session. And you don't need to hit every one every time. As long as your receptive and alert to what makes them react and your partner also lets you know, there's nothing that can stop you from both achieving the best sexual experience each and every time.

Finding Time for Sex After Children (Part 2) Impact on the Relationship

     After writing the previous post I started thinking more about the original question and the thought or meaning behind it. I'm not sure I addressed the question, but merely tried offering ideas to get around the problem in the 1st place. I'd like to talk a little bit about what having children can do to a relationship and it's effects on your sex life. 

     Remembering back, before children, I enjoyed making love to my partner on a semi-regular basis. Timimg was more along the lines of "Can I get a quicky in before the races start" and less about trying to match schedules. Its something all parents have to deal with and everyone reacts differently. Sometimes people just shut down, try and forget sex or give up on trying to find time. There were times I gave up on waiting for an opportunity to present itself and hearing "I'm tired, I'm not in the mood, or something else" and took care of it myself. Does that make me a bad person? I don't think so, it's just how it works out sometimes. But I didn't give up. We worked through it. 

     In the beginning, after our 1st child was born, he didn't sleep very much, so neither did we. We really didn't think much about sex. Everything we did was to nurture this little tiny human who loved to play this game of "I'll cry and you have to guess what I want" To this day, it is my least favorite game to play and I thank GOD my children can talk! Anyway, it wasn't until a few months went by that I decided I was ready to get back in the saddle, so to speak. The wife had other ideas, I soon found out. It was frustrating, I'm not gonna lie. As time went on, we were able to work in time for us and as he grew, we were able to get more and more time and we were able to work it out so that we were still having intimate time even it it wasn't in the same amount as we were used to. Just because our family grew, didn't mean the hours in the day increased as well and we accepted that. 

     

     Then we had number 2, our daughter. Oh man, here we go again! This time we had talked about it through the pregnancy, we had a plan. We were going to get through this. And again, it was tough on both of us, especially with 2 children now. But we found ways around it as I offered as suggestions in the previous post. Having children changes everything. You buy more, spend more, and end up with less time for everything that needs to be done. Some things have to be altered, but nothing has to be sacrificed. You may not have the energy you want, so you learn to conserve when you can. Cut corners when shopping, like buying in bulk where ya can. Skip the gym on Fridays so you can watch your kids ball games. You make due with what you have. 

     The biggest thing you have to keep in mind is that you're partner is being effected by this, just like you. You need to keep the lines of Communication open. Trust that they will understand what you're saying, and work toward a common goal. Don't throw accusations that he or she isn't interested any more or say that you're giving up. You have to understand that life changes and you need to adapt to these changes and make them work for you, not against you. Be creative, plan, but be ready to jump at an opportunity! Love what you're given and give love in return. Talk! and remember to listen as well. It takes 2 people to make a baby, and it takes 2 people to make a relationship work. Together, you can get through the touch times and make the good times outstanding! 

That's all I have on this one. Remember to click the comment link below and let me know what you want to hear about in the next one!